why most communication fails

I’ve referenced quite a few books in this newsletter that changed the way I see the world. But this one might sit on an even shorter list: the books that changed the way I act.

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is a framework (a cheat code, honestly) for expressing yourself clearly while actually listening to others. It has shifted the way I communicate, empathize, and connect. And if I’m stuck, whether in sharing my feelings or relating to someone else’s, I’ll sometimes even prompt ChatGPT to break down my message using this framework….life changing.

The thesis:
when we choose connection over control,
we trade quick judgments for honest understanding.

Key Takeaways:

1. Observation vs. Evaluation
   Most of us confuse what we see with what we judge.
   “You never listen” is an evaluation.
   “You looked at your phone while I was speaking” is an observation.
   Sticking to facts keeps the conversation grounded.

2. Feelings vs. Thoughts
   “I feel ignored” is not a feeling… it is an evaluation.
   Real feelings are emotions: “I feel sad,” “I feel anxious,” “I feel excited.”
   For example, you may feel sad (emotion) because you believe you are being ignored (evaluation) after your friend looked at their phone (observation). Naming the actual emotion opens the door to vulnerability and understanding, both with others and with yourself.

3. Needs & Expectations
   Every feeling is tied to a need: safety, respect, autonomy, love, etc. Conflict happens when:

   1. a need is not met, and/or

   2. the need is not met in the way we hoped/expected

   In moments of conflict, it is important to notice if you are clear on your unmet need and whether you have expressed it.
   It is also easy to get stuck believing there is only one way to meet a need. Being honest about expectations, and collaborating with others on approaches, creates space for resolution.

4. The Power of Requests
   Demands create resistance. Requests create choice.

   A real request creates space for honesty, whether the answer is yes or no.

   1. Demand: “Don’t look at your phone when I’m talking.”

   2. Request: “Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk? It helps me feel more connected.”

   This opens space for a real response & the space to negotiate: “I want to make you feel seen, but right now I have work I need to focus on. Can we pick this up later when I have fewer distractions?”

5. Empathy First
   The goal is not to fix or solve. It is to connect. Sometimes the most transformative thing you can do is reflect back what you hear: “Are you feeling hurt because you need more support?” Being understood is often what people need most.

Final Thoughts: This book is not just about language. It is about shifting your posture toward others, away from control and toward connection.

So I’ll leave you with a question: When was the last time you confused what you felt with what you thought, and what does that feeling tell you about what you need?

Thanks for frolicking with me.
With love,
Diaundra

P.S. This newsletter will be my 2nd to last of the year, tap in next week for thoughts on how this journey has been & what to expect next. (;

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